Anchoring the Present

00:00:04 Speaker 1: Comeback Stories is a production I've Inflectioned Network and iHeartRadio. What's going on? Everybody, Welcome back to another episode of Comeback Stories. Hope by now you know me. My name is Darren Waller. I played tied in for the New York Giants, and I'm Donnie Starkins mindfulness and mental health coach and yoga and meditation teacher. It's such an honor to have you guys join us again today. For those of you that have been tapping in with us on season three, we appreciate you. Keep coming back. Everybody that's been here since day one of the podcasts, probably almost three years ago, we appreciate you guys as well. Today it's gonna be me and Donnie shooting one on one and something that is so near and dear to us and just an idea and perspective that has really changed our life. And it's so simple, but it's not always easy. But say, we're gonna talk about anchoring in the present. And that's something that I learned very early on in my rehab journey and my journey of trying to change my life. There's something that Donnie coaches and has been teaching for a while and his experience in his own life. So Donnie, why don't you kick this off in give people an introduction of what anchoring in the present would look like for them. Yeah, thanks, Darren. I love this topic, and I think before we get into it or break it down, I would just ask the listeners as you go about your day, like how much of your time is spent in your head? Because if you're actually in your head, you're not fully present, which means you're not bringing reality, truth, and your art into the present moment. So you're not creating space to be fully expressive and the most authentic version of yourself. So anchoring can really be any positive habits of mindfulness or gratitude or things that are going to bring you back to your body. I always like to say that the body knows where home is, but it's the mind that often takes us down these roads that makes us feel so disconnected and so homeless. I think Tony Robbins has the quote that says, if you're in your head, you're dead, And I know that might sound harsh, but in many ways it's true because we're living from a place of looking into the future, worrying about the past. And really not landing in the present. And as we know, Darren, as we've been on this journey separately and together, that really all the magic happens in the present moment. So it just becomes like a foundational practice that keeps you tied to the present moment, and we can An anchor can be really anything from anything in your physical environment, from a ring on your finger, a meaningful bracelet, it could be a candle, it could be Well, your breath is going to be the anchor that's always going to be there for you, no matter where you're at or what you're doing. That's always going to be the one thing that brings the mind back to the body, because the breath becomes like an access point to that mind body connection and the bridge to the present moment. So I think we can we can have these anchors. They're all around us, and the more that we have around us, the more we can kind of use those as pattern interrupts to bring us back to the present moment. There are those little reminders as to really why you're here and why you're doing this work, and why presence is so important to us. Yes, that's what it is. It's extremely important, especially if we want to live the life that we want to live. Right, because we get to the end of the road and we create a legacy for the life that we want to live, we're going to look back and realize it was all individual moments that let up and cumulatively created that legacy, created that life of whether it was fulfillment or contentment, or whether it was regret. And you know, to make it even simpler for the audience, if we look at everybody knows the concepts of past, present, in future, and the things that rob us mostly of being in the present is our past, something that we regret, some mistake we made, some way that we were harmed in our past by a parent, by a friend, by a coach, teacher, anyone. And we hold on to those things and we lose hope, we lose faith, we lose a vision for a future that has joy and happiness in Those are things that can keep us arrested or imprisoned to our past. And then there's the future aspect on the other side, which is I want to arrange every thing so perfectly so I don't have to experience a single failure, I don't have to step in a single pothole. I don't have to hurt myself. I don't have to cry, I don't have to worry as long as these things go the way that I plan for them to go. And we spend so much time there, but all that does is produce anxiety, produce worry, and my relationships, which both of those are equally trying to pull us away from the present moment. And it's not hard to do that as people like you and I that have been meditating, that have been putting in practices for years on end, at least for speaking, for me, I can find myself being pulled out of the present moment so quickly, and it's like, man, I'm trying. I preach mindfulness. I've seen the impact that I has had in my life, but still I can be so quickly pulled out of this moment? How do I get myself back to it? And hear people say things like, you know, be where your feet are, and it's really like Danie said, what are these things around that you can listen to? For me in the morning, I love listening to the birds chirp when I walk to my car in the driveway. That lets me know, like, hey, I'm right here in my driveway. I'm not trying to figure out my work day and trying to be great before I get there. I'm not trying to be a superhero and fix everything that I've ever done in my past. I'm just right here in this moment and allowing myself to flow through my day in the most present way that I possibly can. So at the essence of this, we want to keep it as simple as possible. As we talk more, there are complexities to it. They're different details, they are different perspectives on being present. But at the end of the day, it's how can I be right here as least distracted as possible, as focused as I possibly can, as free as I possibly can, as loose as I possibly can in this moment so I can welcome the day, welcome the challenges, and respond to everything exactly the way I would want to. Yeah, I was just as you were sharing. I just wanted to ask you the question, if you go back into pre sobriety, the mess, you know, the rock bottom, and maybe those years, those years leading up to your bottom and ultimately getting sober, what were the things back then that pulled you out of the present, that had you stress, worried, afraid, or anxious. There were so many things that pulled me out of the moment. If we start from really early on as a kid, it was trying to please everyone by now i've if this is your first time checking in one of my earliest memories of pain, we always ask other people what theirs are, because we know ours and how they impacted us. Mine was being told that I wasn't black enough, and that to me turned into a reality that I could only perform my way into being good enough. I could only convince people the best I could to like, I'm okay like. I may not be the you know, the the image of what black is to you or whatever that may be, but I'm okay like, and I gotta show it to you, and I gotta prove it to you. And now I would always have me scoping out moments in the future to where I could what mask I would have to put on, how I would have to act, how I would have to show up an energy I would have to try to embody that wasn't even really authentically my own. And this is elementary school, like show up to the playground, this is middle school in Pe, This is you know in high school football locker rooms at fourteen, fifteen years old, not being able to not feel like I was able to show up as who I was, because I just felt so deeply down at early age that I just wasn't good enough as I am. And you know, with the skills and the talent, so I've been blessed with I was able to see that my performance in sports is what got had me in good standing with people. It created these friendships, not knowing how shallow they were at the time and the quality of relationships I was seeking, but it felt like love, It felt like real appreciation. And so I just continued down that road of performing, and that turned into what was pulling me out of the moment then was my performance, whether it was getting a scholarship offer, turning into when I when I'm gonna get playing time in college, and then when I'm going to be the top receiver on the team, and then when I'm getting to the NFL, and then when I'm when I'm going to arrive to a certain place. If only I can get there, if only this would happen, then I'll be okay. If only I achieve this, then I'll be content. Then my life would be okay, I'll stop chasing, I'll stop feeling like I'm not good enough because I'll have so many things that I accumulated and achieved that convince you that there's no way you can't tell me I'm not enough. But achieving all of those things just made the hole in the void even deeper. And you know, you get into my using my active addiction, it's where's the next high? Where's the next feeling? How quickly can I numb what I'm feeling? How quickly can I escape physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually from what I have to face and what I'm facing right now? And never allowed me to stay in a certain place long enough to listen to my body, to listen to my mind, listen to my soul, to allow myself to heal, to allow myself to just pause and be like, no, why am I doing the things that I'm doing? Why am I continuing to float down this path knowing that I'm just even more anxious, knowing that I'm just even more afraid, and I don't feel like I'm getting any closer towards being enough, yet I'm checking off all these boxes. So it just it continued to change as time went along, but it all spawned from just wanting to prove that I was okay, you know, and not knowing that it came from the inside first, being present with myself and being able to sit there. And nobody's really going to know that at twelve, thirteen, fourteen years old. But when you approach twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, really becoming a man and we're still carrying these childhood wounds around, being present just becomes even more exhausting. You know what, What are some examples from your life that you feel like we're pulling you out of the moment from very early on to even as as as right now, Man, I mean so much. I can relate to so much that you shared, and it's bringing me all the way even into my first few years of sobriety. But if I go back, it was the same thing, carrying what other people think. It was so rooted in me to the point where it was I couldn't even have a conversation or be listening to what somebody was saying because I was already rehearsing what I was going to say next. And if I fast forward, and then I can come back again. If I fast forward, I can remember early on in twelve step meetings where in the format of meetings, sometimes you'll have a ticket and your ticket might be randomly called and then that's your call to share, or it might be sitting in a circle, and eventually it's going to be your turn, and I can just remember those first few years, and most of these meetings were men's meetings, so it wasn't like I was like trying to impress the girl that was in the meeting, but I would sit there and rehearse what I was going to say, so I could really bring the fire and drop some nuggets and sound like I knew what I was talking about, where the reality is all as I really needed to do is just be honest and maybe show some emotion and be vulnerable. But I had to even then act like I had it all together. So I would rehearse what I was going to say, and then it would be like in a circle meeting, it would be almost my turn, and then time would run out in the meeting would end, and I wouldn't even get to share, nor had I heard a single word that anybody else had said, because I was in my head the whole time, never listening right and so but it all was rooted and can still sometimes be, but it's so much better, thank God, and caring what other people think. If I go back all the way back into the childhood and even into the depths of my addiction, it was all those same things, just being uncomfortable in my own skin, needing performance to get validation on the baseball field through family, through friends. It was just a lack of self love and an assurance in myself. And a lot of it, looking back, was even just the way I was living and not being authentic and honest and being true and really showing up as like the authentic version of myself, and it just begins to spiral and snowball to a point where you're just so uncomfortable in your own skin that for me, the easiest way to get out of that was just to pop pills, do drugs and escape. But even in the depths of my addiction, I can even think about, you know, having my pills and then finally being able to take them, or going to the pharmacy and getting my refill and getting them, and then it would be I would take the pills and for an hour, I would be good and everything would go away, and then the cycle would start and I would start to think about when I'm going to take them again, because I'm starting to feel anxiety come on. And it was all like so worried about the future, as if it's not going to be okay, It's not going to be okay until I get this so very rarely. I don't know if I really ever was actually in the present, nor did I have the willingness or any tools to actually come back to a place and notice all of this madness going on. But you know, I think about it, it's nobody stops us from being present. It's only ourselves and really all of our stress and all of our anxiety and all this sphere it comes from wanting the moment to be something that it's not so, or wanting maybe somebody else to be somebody that they're not so. When I look at the root of it, it's trying to control things you can't control. And in our program of recovery, you know, they teach us that control is just an illusion. Now there are things that we can control eventually, and that's our perspective and our attitude and our ability to control our internal response to what's happening outside of us. But that ship doesn't happen overnight, and it really takes like the willingness to start to practice and use little anchors big anchors to come back home to the body man. That reminds me of let us share. One of my anchors to the present is the Serenity Prayer for me. Somebody actually gave it to me in the form of a wristband, and it's something that's like in my pocket that I take with me everywhere that I go. And for those that may not have a relationship with God or know the prayer, it's a God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference and continuing to pray that and just having a deeper meaning and trying to pray it slower and not in a hurry and feel every word of that. It's like, you know, I want to be at peace within myself and I need direction on how to find that piece like, help me find that, help me to know and not chase my tail around, help me to not exert all my energy on these things that I can't determine the outcome. I can't force them to go my way. I can't. It's not possible help me, and I need the wisdom to know the difference, because if I don't know the difference, I'm going to exhaust myself on the things that don't matter, and when it comes time for the things that really do matter, I may be depleted. My cup may be more empty. So that's one of the anchors for me. Because you think about being present, I always think of like that picture of the of the iceberg, and you know, you see you see an iceberg above water by like right there, it's like that's huge, like if a ship runs into it, it's going down. But then you see the picture of how deep it goes beneath the surface. And that's what being present allows us to do. From an internal standpoint. It allows us to not just stay on the surface and with money and material things and shallow relationships and feeling like those are the things that are are going to bring us fulfillment. But it allows us to get down to the root of my emotions, the root of the pain that I'm feeling, the purpose behind the things that I'm doing and really get down into those things. That's what being present really means. It's I'm aware of all that is me. I'm aware that's all that's inside of me, all that is eating at me, all that's nourishing me, and sitting there and being aware of it and knowing that I need to be present. I need to be aware of my attitude. I need to be aware of my perspective. I need to be aware of the way that I'm treating people, because odds are it's a reflection of the way that I'm treating myself. So I'm just trying to paint this picture for you guys of what it looks like for us, how we see it through our eyes. Because everybody's different, everybody's coming to this topic with different experiences, different pains, different traumas. We want to try to help you, guys get this as in depth as possible because we know it's something that can change your life if you consistently build the habit to allow yourself to keep coming back to it. Yeah, and I'm so glad you brought up the serenity prayer because that and regardless of what your beliefs around God or spirituality are, this is something if you break down the serenity prayers. So you just kept saying aware, and that's the wisdom to know the difference. So God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. That's letting go of what you can't control, courage a change of things I can. You're asking for strength and the courage to actually control the controllables. And then the wisdom to know the difference is awareness. The wisdom to know the difference is not going to come by just sitting on your ass and hoping it's going to show up. It actually takes practice. You have to meet the universe or meet God half way in order to get it. You know, the spiritual tools, they're sitting there at our feet, but it's up to us to get off of our asses and actually use the tools, because the tools only work if we use them. So when I hear that the wisdom to know the difference, that's kind of that's a big anchor for me because it inspires me to know, Like, I just want to be aware for so many years, as you're describing your past and as I see my past in your past, and just how asleep and unaware we are now. The tough part about being awake or a little bit more awake than we were before is it's not always easy. It takes work, and we know better now and for me today, it's more about the the impact of not doing these practices. So if you stick with these practices, and we're talking maybe a little bit in depth, but I know Darren and I also like to just keep it simple and have practical tools that can actually work for us to get us back back into the present. And they're simple, simple practices. You know. Another one, I mean I have so an anchor can be anything on your physical environment also, and I mean Darren's got a lot more tattoos than I do, but I have some two and a tattoo. I mean, I have my sobriety birthdate on my forearm, and that certainly is a huge anchor. So that if I feel like my mind is going somewhere, or maybe it's a day where I'm just like being lazy or being selfish or not really wanting to take action, I can look down. I have the word freedom on my bracelet here. That word is like, you know, it brings me back to the depths of my addiction. Lying on my couch, so bound by my addiction. So I want to remember that. I don't regret it, I don't like get stay stuck in it, or nor do I beat myself up over that any more. It's my reminder like I want to be free. So you can create these little accountability partners or these anchors all around you. And the truth is, the more of them that you have, you know, whether they're in your sight. That could be something on your desk, It could be a screen saver of your family, it could be a word, it could be anything. But these are the things that are going to serve as pattern interrupts so that when we are spiraling, which it's going to happen because we've just live in a world of addiction and affliction to distraction, so we're going to constantly being pulled. So we have to have we have to have the antidote. We have to have practices, and we have to be the we have to be willing to lean into those practices. And yeah, they might be hard, but it's not as hard as you know, trying to do it the same old way and actually expecting things to change. Man insanity that that could be a whole another episode in itself, but I'm glad that you brought up the point about the spiraling is going to happen, that being knocked off your center or being distracted is going to happen, because we're not expecting anybody on this called to be perfect, anybody on this episode, anybody that's listening, anybody anywhere, because we aren't. Like there's times where you know, I get a phone call and it's not something that I want to hear, or something in my day with my schedule or something that I'm doing, I may mess up, and these things may serve as distractions and things that may knock me off of the present moment and the momentum that I've built during that day. And it's more so about bringing yourself back to it. And that's where I feel like the misconception lies with mindfulness with meditation. It's people think, oh, my mind has to just be completely still, there has to be no thoughts, it just has to be complete bliss, and anything that comes and knocks me off, it's like, oh my, oh my meditation, my practice is ruined, when really it's out allowing those things to come, embracing those things when they happen and bringing ourselves back to the center, bringing ourselves back to the moment, and think of it. It's been it was put to me in the early days that it's to think of it as a bicep curl for your mind. Right anything, you go into the weight room and do you got arm day, you got back day, you got chess day. You're going to do certain things and continue to build repetitions in those things, and over time you grow stronger. Over time, your muscles are more stable. Over time, you know, somebody try to bump into you, they're not You're not moving no more because you continuously put the repetitions in and continue to show up, no matter if it was discouraging, no matter if it was frustrating, you continue to show up in practice. And that's what we're trying to present to you, guys, being present as a practice. There's nothing that's ever going to be completely perfect about it, but you practice to continue and continue for a lifetime, continue for as long as you're here on this earth, to be as present to the moment because you're relying on you first and foremost. A significant other in your life is going to rely on you the way that you live your life and write your comeback story. Communities around you, people around you are going to be leaning on you, drawing inspiration from you, future generations of your family, grandkids. You know, we have to think in those ramifications because how we show up in this moment right here, odds are is going to depict how we show up in the next moment, in the next moment after that, and the next moment after that. So it's very important stuff, not to put pressure on you, but more so to develop a sense of urgency around just showing up for the practice and putting in your best effort with the best attitude you can. Okay, so you've you've picked up some tools over the years. Your willingness is off the charts, your consistency in your practices or are more dialed in than almost anybody I've ever worked with. Now you are in New York City and there's a lot of noise, there's hustle and bustle, media capital of the world, energy sirens going off all the time. What have you? What were some maybe early challenges, maybe some culture shock of making that move. What were some early challenges and what are you doing to really dial that in and ground yourself in that in that chaos that's all around you. Some of the initial shocks, I would say, are just being back living alone. I'm newly married at this point as we record, I'm just over four months into my marriage. But when I moved to Jersey for the first time, I was a little over one month married. But the bond that we had and still have allowed me to forget about some of the things that I faced when I was living alone prior to being married, and some of the anxiety, the allowing myself to be too drawn out of the present moment, pressure to perform, being on a new team, and trying to put that in its rightful place in my mind, you know, wanting to be excellent, but it's more so about being than doing and performing. You know, there was you know, as me as an addictive person, drugs and alcohol were like the main thing, but there were behaviors underneath that as well that I leaned into, like like masturbation that became that was something that ran parallel with that to take the edge off, to get that high end. Because that addictive thinking is still in me, and urges like that pop up when I'm in an environment by myself. So it's making sure that I'm letting people in to my struggle and being like, hey, like, this hasn't been something that's been tearing my life apart, but it's knocking on the door a little bit here, like and you know, letting my letting my wife into that, letting my friends into that, and knowing that I'm not ashamed because I'm tempted to go back into these new behaviors when I'm facing you know, adversity early on in my marriage, moving into a new city across the country, and not to mention all the other different projects and little things that I'm involved in. It's allowing the moment to be hard, allowing the present to be a challenge, but knowing and still having joy amidst those challenges being present. So I would say it's the performance aspect the marriage. Being aware of addictive patterns and behaviors that I turned to when living by myself previously pre addiction and post using. So those are some of the things that stand out, and the noise will only continue to grow. I mean, you talk about the media capital and all the attention that's there, and if you perform the way you want to perform noise is only going to increase. People reaching out to you is only going to increase, you know, And these these are things that I'm going to have to navigate, and it's going to continue to put my practice of staying in the present moment to the test, because it's no longer about arriving somewhere and achieving something. It's more so about abiding and living and being in the present moment, which brings the true joy and fulfillment of going along this journey, and going along the journey with the people that I'm doing it with. So it's it's it's a journey man like for people as listening. I'm right, I'm right there with you. I'm exploring new challenges, I'm I'm dealing with these things as they come and trying to do that from my center, which isn't always I always say we all have a center. It sits really at the middle of the heart space, but we often all can get pulled off our center through the world's demand for the attention of our mind. And so if we don't have these practices that bring us back, it doesn't mean we come back and two seconds later we leave again. If we don't have those practices, we are going to get swept up in this world and everything with media, social media, and we really just lose ourselves in that process. There's no foundation, there's no place to come home too, and it can really lead to a lot of struggles in mental health and addiction. Then just overall unhappiness in the way that our lives are unfolding. So it is there's nothing more important. And this is fascinating to me someone that teaches meditation and meditates daily that sometimes even in my meditation, I will notice thoughts that are telling me I need to be doing something else, as if there was something more important than trying to quiet down that noise, Like what could possibly be more important than calling myself and laying the foundation for my day and training my mind to be my best friend and not my worst enemy. But what I found that that little voice, that self sabotage voice, that's saying, oh, you need to be doing this, or you're doing it wrong, or you know, it will creep in any opportunity it gets. So if we go back to the serenity prayer with like the wisdom to know the difference. When we are aware of those thoughts, we are now not those thoughts. Thoughts are just thoughts, but thoughts become things when we believe them, attached to them, or maybe judge ourselves for having some crazy ass thoughts. But when we can actually practice and just be the observer and be aware of them, it really does loosen the grip and then we get to understand ourselves more and those patterns of thinking that pull us out of presence. So yeah, it just it always is going to come down to the practices. Speaking of practice, as you were sharing earlier, I was just curious when you showed up for those first one to first or second day of practice as a you know, the new kid on the team, did you notice like any of the old like childhood ship coming up at all? Oh, definitely, definitely. I felt like the new kid in school, you know, like that a little bit of the anxiety of the sixth grader. I guess there's junior highs and all this stuff now, but in Georgia there was elementary school was k to five, and middle school was six to eight. High school was nine to twelve. So it's like that sixth grade and that freshman showing up into that new school and you're just like, I don't know anyone here. I you know, where do I begin? And not trying to begin by pleasing people, not trying to begin by trying to fit in and be cool. But by this time I've had practice and conviction in knowing that who I am is going to you know, always create room for myself and always create just a level of respect amongst my peers and the men that I'm around, because I'm just being who I am. I'm not conforming to what other guys are doing try to be cool. I'm not trying to get into anything like even like like the like the like fashion aspects and these material aspects, things that are like like cool and that are really dope, but if looked at the wrong way, they can be used as a tool to please or to gain approval. And so it's just really showing up in you know, I wear the same pair of sneakers every day, same pair of flip flops, wearing a T shirt and the shorts. Man, I'm just showing up, and I'm trying to give the best that I can give and lead with an example when I come in. I'm not going to come in and say a whole lot because that's just not who I am. I'm one of the older guys in the team, and I feel like over time, a more vocal leadership role than I've ever had will come about. But I feel like a great way to begin is just being present to each and every day, showing up to every meeting with a desire to learn, a desire to be coached, a desire to be a part of the team, not necessarily come in and demand what I can get. So it's that's where those core values and just those things that we talk about come into play. Because when you're in the midst of uncertainty and things are changing around you, you're in new environments. I have faith that these same habits, these same practices are going to allow me to create room to be successful and to enjoy my experience anywhere that I go. And you know, I say all that to say that's not the that's not to say that I'm going to experience those same emotions that I would as a kid, because my inner child's in me. Little Darren's in there, like you know, I don't know about this, Like I'm a little I'm still we got a little social anxiety in there. I'm still you know, I got to feel people out, I got to feel situations out. You know, I don't I don't want to fail. I don't want to mess this up. I want to do the best that I can. And it's hearing that voice and knowing like, Okay, I know that you're there, but I can't allow that to dictate how I go about this new environment. It's really just who am I being able to suit with myself and ask myself that consistently and then just go be who I am and keep it as as simple as simple as that. Man, So, what are what are what are things looking like for you today when it comes to the present moment, because it's an interesting dichotomy with you being a teacher but also as we talk about remaining a student, what are some ways today that you find yourself trying to find that balance between those two and to just continue your journey with the president. Yeah. I always remind myself and also remind my clients or just even talking on the podcast or talking on social media, that I am still very often still tripping over the same things that I'm teaching all the time, and often the things I'm teaching are also the things that I need to learn. They're not things that I've figured out and I'm just dropping nuggets of wisdom as if I'm enlightened and have it all figured out. So often it's usually something that I've struggled with for a long time and then found a way or got some wise counsel and implemented it and started to practice it and found another solution, or it's just still stuff in this moment that I might still be working through. And so I think, you know, teaching it back for me is such a gift because I feel like the story I tell myself as I'm a I'm a slow learner even in school, like having to duddy extra to memorize things, and so the gift of being able to teach it back has allowed me to retain so many of these things. Now that doesn't mean that I'm still practicing them, you know. One of the key points I wanted to touch on when we talk about anchoring in the present moment is the practice of slowing down. And I think about still to this day, the way that I eat food and I do a talk and I talk about mindful eating and how you know our brain. It takes twenty minutes for the sensory pleasures of our brain to even feel the satisfaction of being full. And we're supposed to technically chew like twenty bites per chew, and I'm like wow, like I'm teaching this, and then I can see the way that I eat, and it shows up most often when I'm eating with somebody else, you know, and my meal's gone and they're like four or four bites in. So slowing down has been a practice where when I get rushed, when I feel like there's not time, if I haven't prepared for something, that feeling of being rushed or out of my body like that's where I go off the rails. And it doesn't maybe show up externally like I'm yelling or anything, but man, internally, it's just it's not a fun place to be. So the practice of slowing down is so essential, and I'm really trying to work on the eating part of it, because you know, eating and breathing or such a vital part of the whole digestive process. You know, the way we chew, the way we breathe, and to eat in like a stress state or eating on the go, it's like one of the most counterproductive ways to fuel and feed our bodies. So that's been like a huge one for me that I've been in the practicing, and sometimes I'm teaching it back and I'm like, dude, you need to you need to remind yourself of the shit you're you're telling your people. But that's just that's just where I'm at. I can relate a lot also too, because I'm in a long distance relationship. In those gaps of when we're not together, like I feel like I'm I can be very present and less on my phone and engage. But it's in those pockets where there's more time or maybe I am feeling lonely that I will do something to numb it out, which the easiest way is just to grab the phone and you know, numb out and distract myself that way. So oftentimes when and I would say the phone is my greatest addiction to this day, I'm so thankful that it's not drugs or alcohol or some of the other ones that you bring us to our knees a lot quicker. But the phone is well the one where I can notice and if I notice myself going to it too often, I will just ask myself, like what am I unwilling to feel right now, and if it's a time where maybe I'm not with my partner, it's usually it's just a feel alone or I'm bored or what am I chasing? And why? That's the other kind of These are anchors. These are questions that you can ask that if you get honest, if you answer them honestly, they're going to bring you back to the truth and bring you back to the present moment. So yeah, I would say the practice of slowing down is and specifically around eating, giving myself enough time to get to places, to get to the airport, to get to a class where I'm not rushing and going last minute because I just know the impact and I do not I am so uncomfortable in my own skin when I get in that place. So it's kind of proactively giving myself enough time to get to these places so that there is no rush, because yeah, rushing for me is when I become one of the worst versions of myself. Wow, I'm so glad you brought that up because it reminds me of when we do with ig lives, and we always do the book recommendations, and every time I recommend this book it's called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer. If I highly suggest you read that book because in that book he talks about in this digital age, in this like smartphone, high speed internet, like we get information so fast and it teaches us to want things so quickly to not have to suffer for it, but that whole instant gratification thing. And he has quotes in the areas like love and hurry are incompatible. So when it's like it speaks to what you're saying about not being the best version of yourself when you're in a rush, when you're in a hurry, and a lot of us are rushed and hurried without even knowing it. We're so busy. We're trying to get the next promotion, we're trying to get to the bag, we're trying to do all these things, but we're not allowing ourselves to slow down and take in the goodness of the moment, to reflect, to affirm ourselves, to check in on how we're doing. And it's so important that we do that, and how countercultural slowing down is. People don't want to be outside of what everybody and culture are doing. But for us to really nurture, nurture our spirits and to nourish that spiritual life and to just be in tune with ourselves and be the best version of ourselves. We gods slow down, and I feel like that plays into the idea of solitude as well, like creating moments of silence, time for meditation, time for reflection, time for prayer, time for journaling, whatever it is for you to be still and have that quiet moment with yourself. We've got to find a way to do that that's personal to you, that works for you, that doesn't feel robotic to you, because that's the way we can fill our cups back up. And a lot of our lives are spent pouring into other people, pouring into situations, pouring into the vision of our job, pouring into friendships, relationships. But what are we doing to fill our cut back up so that there is something to pour, so that I do have something to offer. You know, the big book that we read out of in our Fellowship of Recovery, it says you can't transmit something that you haven't got, And in order for us to be that transmitter, we have to create that time of solitude of cutting all the noise out, cutting Netflix off, turning the Xbox off, logging out of Twitter and Instagram, and just being in that silence, being in that void and dealing with the uncomfortability of it. It's not easy. It's not going to be a walk in the park and just bliss all the time. But we have to embrace the fact that the discomfort always leads to something better for us. It stretches us, it expands us, It pushes us to our limits, only to find out that our limits are way farther than we ever even imagined. And it starts with something that's so simple as sitting in the quiet. Because those things are gonna come up. Those thoughts are gonna come up, those fears are gonna come up, those insecurities are gonna come up, and they need to come up. It's not going to feel good when they come up. But they need to come up. Otherwise we're just going to continue to brush them under the rug. And we can't allow ourselves to do that any longer. And that's why I speak about with that sense of urgency. So we just want you guys to see it through that lens of and see why. You know, Donnie and Darren talking about meditation again. But it's like it's just the healing and just the calm and the joy and the inner contentment that overcomes you and intertwines in you as you take that time. And we just can't stress the importance of that enough. And to get out of your thoughts, you have to first let them come up. The only way to get through it is to go through it. So it comes back to bringing those thoughts to the light. You know, you can't say I'm just gonna sit here and not think, because if you try not to think, you're just going to think more. Because what we resist persists. So to get out of your thoughts, you actually have to take time to notice the thoughts that you want to get out of and slow down. And that's why solitude and meditation And if you're struggling with the meditation practice, you're not alone. I struggle for years. There's so many different techniques out there. I recommend guided meditations. David g who's been on our guests. He's a two time we went back to back with him. Amazing meditation teacher, amazing guided meditation teacher and storyteller who made meditation accessible for me. So the resources are out there. You can go on Google and find I mean, I can sit here and give you a bunch of breath techniques, and I'm happy to do that. But if you take the action and just pop it into Google, there's going to be different breath techniques, patterns of breath that you can use, different types of meditation, and you just have to be willing to try things on to see what works for you, because what works for me might not exactly work for you, and so the mind is going to look for every reason not to do it, because the mind just likes to have any jobs, and it likes to jump from thought to thought. They call it the monkey mind, where it jumps from branch to branch. But all of a sudden you slow it down, and then the mind is out of jobs, right, and then it gets uncomfortable. But it's in that discomfort that really the magic is found. And so if we can clear the clutter, we make space. The only way to bring something new in is to let go of the old. And so much of our reality comes from our thinking. I mean, it comes from our belief system, which is what shows up in our thinking. But to change the way you're living, you have to change the way you're thinking. And to change the way you're thinking, you have to actually be willing to do something to notice what you're thinking about. Because when you get out of your head, you start to tap into the flow state the spiritual world. You get back to the heart and you start to see through the lens of the heart and not like the madness that's going on in the mind. And when we can see from the heart, we can see with clarity, and it's like just coming back home to the heart and to what matters most, so that we can show up authentic and we're not like I used to do, just rehearsing everything I was going to say before I said it, Which if you're having a conversation with somebody, you cannot listen if you're thinking about what you're going to say. So what gets in the way of intentional listening, which you know, if you want to connect more in any relationship, you know, practice the art of listening. The only things that get in the way of listening or judgments and distractions, so end defenses. So you got judgments distractions if you're thinking about something else, and if you're in any kind of relationship and you start to defend after somebody says something, you're not listening to what they're saying because you're already defending your stance. So people want to be the people are always say. People are not going to remember what you said, They're going to remember how you made them feel. And everybody loves to be heard. Everybody loves to be heard, and in that they feel a greater sense of connection. But in order to for them to be heard, we actually have to listen, which comes back to getting out of our heads. So there's a lot of practices. There's a lot of different meditations. I mean, anybody listening and I'll be happy you could reach out to me on Instagram and I'll give you recommendations or techniques. But I think it's also important for you to take the action to actually do a little research. You won't get past page one in the Google search with just amazing information and resources that will help you really just get back to present and find these anchors that we're talking about. It's really a beautiful thing to see what your life can develop into just from being present to the moment. And one of the things I feel like that can really spawn from it, which is another foundational thing that people have heard of talk about a lot. But it's just the idea of gratitude. Right If there's no way, if I'm not present, I'm not going to be grateful. I'm going to be up in the way something was in the past, whether it was good or bad, or I'm gonna be copping kind of what I was talking about earlier, of when I get to this moment in the future, then things will be okay. When I get this thing, then I'll be all right. But gratitude is taking both of those extremes into account and choosing the perspective of I don't lack anything. I have everything that I need I could. I have everything that I could ever have wanted in this present moment. But that's not how we're taught to live, that's not how we're wired. That's not how America and the world works. It's about getting somewhere. It's about arriving there. And it's just that counter cultural aspect of living that we have to embrace and stand firm in because otherwise our peace and just our overall gratitude in the moment is going to be what's lost on this chase for what we're being told is success or what we're being told is what's going to fulfill us. But gratitude is so important because it defies that logic and it says what I have now here is good enough for me. And I feel like that goes such a long way because it allows you to have such a full and deep appreciation for everything that comes into your life. If you don't appreciate what you have when you have little, you're not just going to magically start to fully appreciate what you have when you have a lot, because that's not your character, that's not your habit, that's not your practice. And we just want to help you, guys, to be able to develop practices as we are currently in the moment of doing as well that will allow your life, your story, your comeback story that you're continuing to write, as you're putting p into paper, and as you're experiencing these moments and the beauty that life has to offer, you're going to be there, fully present to take all of that in and be overwhelmed by the joy, be just so happy and content and just full of praise that that you won't have words, you know, Like I'm sitting here trying to describe it right now. And some of the moments that I've been able to experience in my life that have stemmed from me going to rehab And one of the first things they taught us about was mindfulness, being present to the moment in meditation, and I'm like, what are you guys talking about? But sticking with it, continuing to practice, continuing to wake up and just keep chopping, keep putting reps in. It's turned into an amazing life to where I just wake up and scratch my head and I'm like, how did I get here? Like even fighting this to this day, the internal like unworthiness that I had most of my life, It's like, it's just irritating the crap out of that unworthiness and it's a it's beautiful, just like the how it's it's all coming out and coming together, and man, it's just a powerful thing. Dog, It's a powerful thing. And we can't get there without being in the moment. If there's any way we could wrap this up, there's no way that I appreciate my life as it is today with all the good things out of there, if I'm not present to each and every moment of that journey along the way and help you can take that with you so beautifully sad man, and just hearing you, I mean, I'm so grateful for you and you're You've created this life that you have today and it came with a lot of hard work and willingness that just didn't appear, especially considering the mess that it used to look like. But yeah, you can't be gratitude. You can't be grateful and stressed at the same time. Gratitude is always going to bring us back into the present moment. It's a powerful practice. It's one of the many anchors that we touched on. Slowing down is so important. You have your breath. Your breath will always be there. It's been there since day one, when you've took your first breath and you arrived, and it's going to be the last thing you do when you leave this earth and your legacy begins. You'll take that last breath, So you have that in your back pocket at all times. And really just being mindful with our devices and technology, making sure we're taking time to relax. And I would say to begin, just start with small targets. If you want to start a meditation practice, take ten deep breaths for the next week and let that be your meditation practice and then just build on it. These small practices will compound over time and start to create a system and a foundation that's going to always bring you back. All the magic lies in the present moment. And you know, Darren and I when we talk about we could talk about this all day long, and I feel like we could go on hours for this with this, because this is when I'm the most present, is just listening, especially this this solo or duo episode where we don't have a guest and we can really talk about these things and then just kind of like reflect on the journey that it's that it's taken to get to this point. It's so beautiful. And you know, if you're listening and this has really moved you or inspired you, or maybe you have somebody in your life that you know could benefit off this. Darren and I's mission has always been to reach as many people as possible and share this message. So maybe you put a screenshot, put it on Instagram, send this to somebody. The reviews on Spotify and iTunes or Apple Music really help the reviews or help the help us reach more people. If we have reviews in five stars, So we're not trying to get as many as possible for our egos. We're just wanting to reach as many people as possible and that's the magic of it. Man. Thank you guys for joining us for another episode of Comeback Stories. Like Donnie said, subscribe, like review, wherever you're at, wherever you're getting your podcast, wherever you download, keep coming back. We're gonna keep coming back. You can find us on the Inflection Network on YouTube as well, and we're just going to continue on this journey with you guys, trying to stay in the perment moment, trying to figure out this thing called life and enjoy while we got it. So we appreciate you guys joining us and we'll catch you next week. Comeback Stories is a production of Inflection Network and iHeartRadio. For more podcasts from iHeartRadio, visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.